How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
