the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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