Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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