Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
