Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My life is pants optional.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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