So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
as a side note pls kill me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
