It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
