I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sext me about skeletons
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
