my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
