me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
