the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
