My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
