when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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