You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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