Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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