Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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