I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
