dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
