he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
