My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
