You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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