It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
