i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
