dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
