11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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