Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
