FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
