So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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