you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
