Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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