I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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