I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
