mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
