Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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