I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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