thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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