the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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