I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
