My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
