Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
