I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
