I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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