Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
