I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
