I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
