how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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