Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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