Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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