I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i've created a new STD.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
