i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
