We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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