he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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