He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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