Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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