i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
