Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
