I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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